


Choices You Made

by charmandhex



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: And sort of how that influenced the decision in Wonderland, Anyway let Merle be a good dad, Basically I kept thinking about how he apparently has memories of both of their births, But he also walked out on them, I imagine he tried to be a good dad up until that point, Like he refused to give up memories of his kids in Wonderland, So kind of a character study on Merle, So this is really looking at those two days with his kids and then also the day he left, Though he's actually Mavis's stepfather
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 11:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmandhex/pseuds/charmandhex
Summary: Merle specializes in snap decisions. They’re not always great and they don’t always work out, but he rarely regrets them.





	Choices You Made

            “So… if you accept this sacrifice, Merle, you will lose the memories of the birth of your children!”

            “Take the penalty.” The words are immediate, automatic, and certain. They’re out of his mouth before he has consciously made the decision, but what decision is there even to make? After the other choices he’s made, how can he choose otherwise?

* * *

            Merle sits outside a room, surrounded by others milling about chatting pleasantly. Too pleasantly. Occasionally one of them turns to look his way, and these faces range from annoyed to chagrined to imperious. He’s not unfamiliar with having these sorts of expressions directed his way.

            An older dwarf sits next to him, clearing his throat to get Merle’s attention. Merle finds that he hates the sanctimonious look on his face more so than some of the others. He’d likely never had to make this choice.

            “Her husband is dead, Merle. Hekuba needs a husband. That child needs a father.” Right. The source of this whole problem. Hekuba’s mysterious dead husband. Originally missing, off of some… archipelago? He’d been doing some kind of work, and then just, gone. Presumed dead. Or at least, so Merle guesses. It’s one thing to warn against speaking ill of the dead, but no one here really speaks of him at all. Perhaps he just wasn’t that memorable.

            “Yeah? I’m not that.” Merle responds. How is he even related to this dwarf? Merle stares at him, trying to find some sort of similarity that might tell him. That nose might be close to his uncle’s, before it had been broken at least. The heavy jaw might be a close match to one of his more distant cousins. The eyes certainly aren’t a match; they never are. Merle thinks back, tries to remember, but it’s like reaching out for cobwebs of memories that are no longer there. Or like, like walking along the beach and turning to look behind you, only to realize that the ocean has already washed away your footprints, so you can’t see the path you took, though you know it must have been there. He shakes his head, more to shake off the unpleasant feeling of struggling to remember than to reinforce the refusal, but it makes the other dwarf’s frown deepen just the same, settling into lines long since established. Merle’s own face is far more inclined to laugh lines.

            “Our people have arranged marriages. It is our way, the way of our families. How you reached this age and remain unmarried, I don’t know.”

            “Pan knows.” Merle mutters under his breath, because, really, he’s not altogether sure either. He tunes out the remainder of the lecture; it’s something he’s quite good at.

            And when everyone is swept up and he’s tugged on into the too small room by the sheer force of the crowd. He steps backward, toward the wall, away from where everyone is now fussing over Hekuba. He looks around the room, to look at anything except the obligation in front of him and settles on a bassinet.

            She’s small. Almost impossibly so. As a healer, Merle has helped delivered babies on several occasions, but they never fail to astound him. That much soul in such a tiny body. She’s already got little tufts of red hair sprouting off the top of her head, no doubt from that missing husband. She’s quiet, too, looking around just as Merle was a moment ago, and she is studying the world around her, curious and almost hopeful.

            And hell, Merle loves her immediately. It’s impossible not to. Merle knows he’s not likely to be a much better father to her than he would be a husband to Hekuba, and certainly he doubts that he’ll be able to live up to what she deserves. But in that moment he makes a decision.

* * *

            The next time, Merle waits with Mavis, now a few years old. Her red hair has been tied into two twin braids, and her glasses give her an owlish look. In Merle’s opinion, she’s looked much too worldly and much too serious since the day she was born. She definitely didn’t learn that from him; that’s for sure.

            “So, you ready to meet your sibling, sweetie?”

            “I think so?” It comes out more like a question. “What if they don’t like me?”

            “They’ll do more than like you, pumpkin! They’ll love you!” Mavis doesn’t seem convinced. “And if they don’t, we can always exchange them.” Merle winks, and Mavis startles.

            “We can’t do that!” She squeaks. “They’re my sibling, and I love them already!”

            “So why would they feel any different about you?” Mavis closes her mouth, taking on that thoughtful look she’s been capable of since birth. The question seems to assuage her concerns.

            Where Mavis was quiet and seemingly thoughtful even as an infant, Mookie is loud and full of energy from the start. And seemingly 90% lungs and vocal cords. He’s got dark hair and Merle’s distinctive hazel eyes, eyes that somehow none of his relatives, no matter how close they’re _supposed_ to be, have. The way this particular tiny soul looks at the world is certainly not as observant as his sister, but full of joy nonetheless.

            So of course Merle loves him immediately. It’s impossible not to. He’s still not a great husband to Hekuba, but he’s absolutely trying with Mavis, and he’ll gladly redouble his efforts for the pair of them. Merle makes another decision. 

* * *

            Some years later, Merle feels on the verge of another choice, a very different kind of choice. Mavis and Mookie are playing outside of the small beach cottage, far enough from the water to not worry about Mookie taking off at a run to faceplant in the water.

            It’s a nice house on a nice beach, surrounded by nice relatives and nice friends and nice acquaintances. That’s all it is though, _nice_. Nice doesn’t make for healthy or fulfilling or joyful though, especially when it’s up against a miserable marriage that neither of them wants to be in.

            The bright spot is, admittedly, the kids. Merle loves them as much as he did the day they were born. And he tries to be a good dad, he really does. But Merle’s not so sure he can even do that well any more. And they surely deserve more than that, but Merle knows that it’s only going to get worse, and that he’ll let them both down.

            “I’m going out.” Merle suddenly announces, grabbing the packed bag and a few other things. He’d packed it almost automatically a few days ago, barely focusing through the task because he’d seemed to just know what it was he’d need. Strange, since he hadn’t done much outside of the commune or the beach community. Merle crosses the hall, out of sight of Hekuba. Laughter from the kids drifts in through the window, and for a moment his feet still, as he questions what he’s doing. He’s never done anything like this. He’s never done anything wilder or more unexpected than taking a while to settle down and get married. There’s no way he’ll be any good at it, at adventuring. There are flashes of dark brown and then red as the kids run by the window, Mavis chasing after Mookie to make sure he doesn’t fall or get into trouble again.

            “What do I care?’ The hard tone of Hekuba’s voice hardens his resolve. Kids or not, this, as it stands right now, is good for no one. Anything has to be better than this. Merle turns away from the window, decision made. And he walks out the door.

* * *

           “I’ll take the penalty!” Merle reaffirms. There’s no black smoke, no doubt in the back of his mind, even while Taako and Magnus are still processing the fact that Merle _has_ kids.

            And with that, a sixth black dot appears above the door. It doesn’t matter. It was an easy decision.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Basically, yesterday I saw this amazing [art of Merle](http://fishfingersandscarves.tumblr.com/post/156467038200/and-with-that-a-sixth-dot-appears-above-the-door), specifically, of that choice in Wonderland, which kind of got me thinking about that whole scene. And then also knowing that Mavis is his step-daughter but that he was present for her being born anyway, really made me consider just why exactly Merle agreed to marry Hekuba and how that all really happened. The most Merle answer I could come up with was that he really did it for Mavis, cause we all know it didn't make him happy, so that was something I just kind of wanted to explore (and it helped with writer's block yay).
> 
> If you want to talk to me on tumblr, it's [here.](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com/)


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